If only you could come back Sanjay…
Our house is dead Vave. We are lost. We didn’t see this coming. We don’t know how to move on. In fact, we don't even know if we really should move on.
Why do I still feel like you will come back from your trip? I wish I could come to terms with your loss sooner. I don’t want a big framed photo decorated with a white flower garland having to remind me for the millionth time ‘Your brother is not coming back home’.
Please tell me everyone is wrong Vave. Please tell me that this is a nightmare or a bad joke or a big fat lie. You know how I hate your ugly bad jokes. But I just wouldn’t mind it this one time. I’ll even genuinely laugh at your bad jokes. Something Vave. Something to hear your voice again.
I don’t miss you Vave. Not when I can still feel your presence at home. But some days it just kills me. The silence and the loneliness. It kills me when for a split second I am reminded that you are no more. Then it all just crumbles down. My throat dries up, my knees become weak, I can feel a snake constricting my body, and a rock weighing down my chest. You have plugged out my heart Sanjay. You have. But then you plug it back in. All in a matter of seconds. And I am back. Somehow stronger than I was moments ago.
I don’t know if this is your doing to stop me from feeling the pain. But I hate it. My cries are stifled, my pain is momentary. Sometimes I just wish I could cry with the rawness of a child with an open wound. I wish I didn’t have to be strong. I just wish I could be vulnerable. But I just can’t Vave. I have tried.
Things don’t seem the same without you anymore. I see you in all the things we loved together. That chop-suey rice we loved to eat doesn’t taste the same anymore. Shopping for underrated items doesn’t have any meaning anymore. Even passing Scope cinemas makes me cringe within. We made many memories there.
Each time I miss you, I think of all the times I spent with you. I’ll miss you driving me around, Sanjay. Every drive was another memory we cherished, another step at being closer. Our relationship was mostly made during the little journeys we took, laughing and joking at our problems and contemplating about life. I loved how quietly you used to listen. I’d forgotten how fast you grew up. How fast you matured. How fast you transitioned into a responsible man from that annoying little boy.
Ironically that’s the last memory I have of you as well. That drive to my office, talking about all the drama involved with planning the wedding. Remember how I mistook you for Appachi and unconsciously touched your feet to get blessings that day. Remember that awkward silence between us before we started laughing out loud for my stupidity. You embarrassingly shooed me away as we reached office. Little did I know, that was my final goodbye to you. If I had known, I would not have left. If I had known, I would never have wished that drive ended. But you made me touch your feet again. Only this time, you were a lifeless body on a white casket sleeping peacefully in our house.
I could write my feelings over and over again, thinking that each time the pain would be lighter than the last. The words are different but the feelings are the same. It was painful to write this, but this is how I can bring peace to my mind. I just wish you are beyond your grave, in a better place far from all the cruelties and adversities of life. You were too good for this world and its people. For some reason, I am happy that you didn’t live far enough to be manipulated and cast into the dark sides.
There is an ache that comes in silence. You’ve left behind a void that can never be replaced. Nothing good seems to come out of this Vave. I’ve tried to look at the bright side. No words, advice or comfort can tell me that this happened for a reason. But maybe it did. Maybe, one day you would show me why. Maybe, one day when our paths meet you will let me know why you had to live for 21 years and then part ways. Maybe one day you would tell me how much you wanted to stay for my marriage. Maybe one day you would tell me that you walked by my side, in that cloak you very much loved to wear, to receive one of your biggest achievements in life. Maybe one day you would tell me that you were invisibly seated in that empty seat we would keep aside for you at Scope. Maybe one day you would tell me why you stranded me on my birthday. One day. But I am not ready for that one day today.
All I want today is to see you one last time. To hold your hands and tell myself that you have not left us, that this was all a nightmare… and that you are coming back home.